The Future

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the future.  I’m moving out of my mom’s house (finally) and renting a house with a girl I go to church with.  It’s out in Acworth which is kind of out there, but it’s the perfect house and it’s 22 minutes from my school. 

As I’m trying to find furniture to fill this house and making decisions on lease agreements and plans for my dog and decorating ideas, I just can’t help but wish I didn’t have to do all this alone.  I felt the same way when I was deciding on jobs and buying my car too.  I know I have my mom and I have friends, but it’s not the same as having a partner; someone to share your life with. 

I know I’ve written many self-pitying posts before on how I wish my prince would come along and carry me away, but I feel differently now.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can have a complete life in Christ and never be married.  I can serve God the way I’m supposed to, help fill other’s needs, and further the kingdom as a single person.  God has transformed me into a strong woman who is passionate; Passionate about children, passionate about worship, passionate about community, and passionate about women being seen as equals to men in the church.  However, I still have this deep burning desire to get married.  Despite many prayers for God to “take it away if I can’t have it” it’s still there. 

I’m not looking for a prince anymore.  I don’t think some perfect guy will come along and I’ll magically have lost 20 pounds and we’ll be beautiful together and he’ll make all my problems go away.  That is not reality.  But despite the negative thoughts that take hold of my mind and my past experiences, I do believe someone could come along and be passionate about the things I’m passionate about.  We could share our burdens and work together as partners in God’s kingdom.  There could be someone I can share life’s joys with and life’s sorrows too.  Maybe, just maybe, there’s someone who will look past all of my incredible flaws and see that I have a heart that was made to love another person forever.

I know I’m only 23 and it could definitely still happen, but the doubts clog my judgment.  I don’t know why exactly relationships have never worked out for me in the past.  I know I am not much of a looker and never will be, but I am starting to see that I do have inner beauty.  I know my emotions get in the way of reason a lot of times, and the damage that has been done to my heart has made it difficult to hold onto people I care about without pushing them away.   I can also be shy and I don’t exactly “go out and get” those guys of quality that have passed through my life for fear of rejection.  I just need someone to see me…really see me for who God has made me to be.

The prayer of my heart over the past year has been that God would let me feel at home again, that God would give me a sense of community that I lost when I moved here.  It hasn’t happened yet which I know is partly my fault, but I’ve just never in my life felt more ready than I am right now to fall in love and share my life with someone. 

Maybe it will never happen, maybe it will happen tomorrow.  If you are a single person reading this or ever were single maybe you can empathize with the pain that I feel deep inside when I think about the future.  My mind knows it will be ok, but my heart is longing for something I can’t have right now.   I can make a lot of things happen in my life, but this is something I can’t force.  I just have to wait, but waiting is painful.

It's summer!  I have two more days to work this week then it's up to Tennessee for camp.  yay!  I am very excited about camp.

Haven't updated in a while....I've had a rough time lately and things have been hard.  I've been struggling but I can't really share it with many people because they just think I'm crazy and emotional.  It kind of sucks to not have anyone to turn to, but I guess I just have to get over it....this too shall pass right?  Someday I'll have my joy back...right now I'm just trying to let go of the past and fake it like crazy...